My earliest memories aren’t all that pleasant. Among others, I remember being scolded at because I wasn’t like so and so’s daughter. This and that child did ABC and was constantly reminded that my advent into this side of the womb was not a welcome one.
Though I don’t remember when I started believing I wasn’t enough, I have no distinct memory of the moment I internalized other people’s unmet expectations of me. Needless to say, I barely learned the art to be content with or even figure out who I was. It would seem that when you’re too busy coveting all that you’re not there’s hardly room or time to appreciate all that you are.
I remember throwing myself into the world of academia and working to become a better version of so and so’s daughter, secretly hoping that good grades and the affirmations of others would be enough to make me enough; enough to cause a paradigm shift from my bankrupt mentality but the truth is, no amount of external validation and performance can make you realize what you’re unable to acknowledge.
It is a sad reality that a mentality like that doesn’t just go away after a lot of years have gone by, if anything, it persists, grows and spills into everything you do.
In my own experience, adulthood and just life, in general, is not built for those who were dropped long before they could carry themselves and it offers no extra time for you to level the playground and catch up. I legit commend any person who has known the deep end of that struggle and still shows up to face life.
I’ve attempted to describe the feelings caused by the lies that permeated my thinking so that you may see that I’m not just being “Sister Christian” with ideological solutions to a problem I do not even understand. I did so, so that, if anyone could relate then you’d at the very least start entertaining the fact that those feelings and beliefs are based on lies from the one seeking whom he may devour.
You should know you’re in the hands of a master manipulator when after plucking out the weeds of his lies you find that they have no roots. When you can be accused to yourself and you pass the death row sentence with only but circumstantial evidence. When you unearth the lies of your worthlessness you realize those feelings were but sand castles. Foundationless structures that only stood because you continued building them up.
At one point or another, the subtle serpent sold you fabricated truths that you have carried and certified as true.
In as much as I understand the seeming power of the thoughts, I also understand that there’s a grace whose gentle strength can break every chain. I understand that it is for freedom that Christ set us free.
I was graced by God to meet an extraordinary individual who would not be satisfied until there was some congruency between how I saw myself and who God created me as and to be. She asked me to do what I thought was an absolute waste of time that has since transformed my life. She asked me to write everything I believed about myself and then find a scripture that speaks to that.
No investment in the Word can ever be wasteful, of this I am an advocate not because it’s the epitome of eloquent Christianese but I’ve seen the truth of it continue to work for me.
I believe this would be well worth trying and it isn’t just about positive self-talk because it would be a sure tragedy if that were our only hope for overcoming these beliefs. I do think there is a place for that but when dealing with prison bars that have caged your mind then positivity has no power in and of itself. It is the Word who stood before a desolate & dark earth and called forth light to illuminate that can orchestrate such a prison break.