If it is, then what?

I sat with God that day willing Him to give me a Word to get me through my fears. I kept telling myself that this wasn’t the worst thing in the world to befall someone & forcing my anxiety to at least appreciate that. Better a people have experienced worse fates and lived.

Then He asked me the one question that set my mind unravelling.”What if  the worst imaginable thing befell you, then what?”

I sat there so stupefied not sure how to respond or whether I was willing to consider my response. In truth, I wondered what would be left of my sanity or appetite for life, if I never achieved any of my dreams, if circumstances were never good enough for happy to stay, if I never knew the euphoric feeling of home?

What would happen to my faith in the goodness of God if my worst fears were realised?

It had been 5 years since the last episode, yet this “new” zeal for life felt so fragile that if ‘said life’ shifted too much it would break. If it was so fickle then what would that mean of my faith? Was it ever real?

I searched my heart and mind desperately wanting my response to be that I’d trust His heart, that I’d be satisfied with whatever He willed for me for as long as He remained.

Once I found my answer though and held it up against the ideal, I found it wanting. It saddened me that in all the ways that really mattered, God was not enough for me.

If you stripped Him of all the Yes & Amen promises, I wouldn’t have wanted just Him.

It broke my heart that my devotion was merely an association for as long as it was convenient. I looked at the martyrs of the faith and knew that if the option was as blatant as my life (in all the ways I wanted it to look) and my proclamation, the former would probably take the victory podium.

I’ve prayed so vehemently since then for God to change my heart. That He would be my greatest treasure & priciest reward. That the joy of my existence would be to know Him & the power of His resurrection even when it means sharing in the fellowship of His suffering.

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