Desperately wanting

A couple of years ago we were at the “height” of a really good vibe and since then things have been shifty. I’ve been living as though my best days are behind us as far as this relationship is concerned, which, I know is ridiculous since you’re the most approachable Being I know. I don’t even think it’s been a conscious thought but it’s definitely evident in the despair I feel when I consider the current state of the said relationship and what I perceive to be its future potential.

My perspective has also changed immensely, I’ve held You with such palpable suspicion & mistrust. You’ve stood many times before the bar of my reasoning (& feelings) & at worst has been found guilty and at best wanting.

I know that says very little about my faith and probably even less about the “prior” state of things. I’ve often wondered how legitimate an experience that was if this is where I find myself today.

My heart is athirst for a life centered on God, I miss the days when it wasn’t such a fight & I didn’t struggle so desperately to hold on to the remnants. I miss Him sorely & everything about me is bleeding from the want. I’ve tried to feel about Him as I once did, perhaps therein lie my problems.

I know my attempts will always be futile since I’m my own hero there, I know I need to lean on grace but I have no idea what that looks like on the daily. The one thought that warms my soul is how evident it is that He has not only been the author but the one to sustain my salvation.

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